Strategize To Succeed
PC325 – Thinking It Is One Thing, Saying It Is Another

       Welcome to the next episode of Strategize To Succeed™. Selectively applying the strategies which we discuss each week will help you as you progress from conditions to opportunities to successes.

       Before we proceed, I would first like to apologize for any misunderstanding in our schedule. Although the holiday break was mentioned at the end of the episode entitled, “Why Try?” and referenced in the last tweet, there was no actual announcement provided on the impacted Tuesday release date. That was my fault, and I will do better in the future.

       In today’s episode, we are acknowledging the holiday season and the increased amount of socializing which occurs both personally and in business environments. We are going to discuss some tips on how to have a social conversation. 

      This subject will be divided into two parts. Next week we will be focused on the aspect of telling your story, what that means and how to accomplish it.

       Today though, the concentration is on having a conversation at a social gathering where you may have some acquaintanceship with the other attendees, but they are probably not your best friends. 

      Now, it may seem hard to believe, but even the act of casual conversation can have a strategic component to it which, if applied, can increase your chances of success and enjoyment.

      Prior to exploring the nuances of a conversation, there are two over-arching rules which apply, regardless of the type of conversation. First, a conversation, by its very definition “is a form of interactive, spontaneous communication between two or more people who are following rules of etiquette.” (Freebase)

      The first rule is that the most important pronoun in a conversation is “you,” not “me.” You are to exchange points of view, not subject others to a monologue.

      The second, and equally important rule is that you must be an active listener. This means paying attention to what the other party is saying and also demonstrating your attentiveness with appropriate physical responses, such as eye contact, nodding, and verbal affirmations. This does not mean interrupting, which can be both rude and demeaning.

       Recently, Your Mentor read an observation by Robert Herjavec, a businessman and an investor on ABC’s Shark Tank. He noted that both the words “silent” and “listen” contain the same letters. Perhaps that construction emphasizes the importance of listening quietly and attentively.

      That being said, there are several approaches which can be applied when one decides to pursue a conversation. None are especially difficult, however, it is often recommended that one practice these skills on friends, or at least in front of a mirror before one applies these techniques to new participants.

       As with many life skills, much of the success of a social conversation is determined by your preparation. Case in point: try to find out prior to attending a social gathering who else will be in attendance. This is not to say that you require a comprehensive attendance roster but, consider as an example, that you happen to find out that the president or the head of HR at a company that you really want to work for is in attendance. Before the gathering, review the needs of that company and your possible contributions so that you can offer a brief pitch, if appropriate to the situation. A social activity is not the setting for a job interview but, casual conversation about the nature of the industry and your interest in it can be perfectly acceptable as a setting to request an exchange of business cards in preparation for future, more targeted, contact.

      The point is that whether you would like to borrow from your aunt to pay your rent, or position yourself to obtain a new job, every conversation has a purpose. And every conversation, if given advance thought, can forward your purpose and assist you in attaining your goal.

      A helpful article dealing with enhancing one’s conversational abilities is entitled, “How to Have and Hold Dazzling Conversation With Anyone: We Review 11 Science Backed Steps,” by Vanessa Van Edwards (scienceofpeople.com/category/conversation), and in it she recommends doing a pre-event information check of who, what, when and why. “Who is hosting the event? What kinds of people are going? When is it and what’s the schedule? And, why are you going?”

      Even an event at which you see the once-a-year relatives who send fruitcake should be reviewed in advance so that your attendance efforts can be maximized.

      Once you walk through the entrance, be aware of your first impression. And that doesn’t mean buying a designer outfit to show off. What it does mean is that regardless of what you do or how you do it, you want to look friendly and confident so that others would want to speak with you. Make eye contact when you see someone with whom you would like to speak, and smile with recognition or anticipation of speaking with someone. Also, keep your hands out of your pockets and visible, and your shoulders down and back to remain relaxed.

      When you greet someone, if you have not been introduced, or you don’t know them, make sure to introduce yourself both by name and some identifying fact. This can be anything from being the host’s second cousin to the copy machine expert on the fifth floor. It doesn’t matter what the connection may be, however it is important that it be clarified in order to provide context and a frame of reference for the furtherance of your conversation.

       After the introductions, there are a few possible subject-matter alternatives which you can pursue. Depending on your comfort level and formality, you can start with paying a compliment and then following up with a not too personal question. Or, you could ask for information and a follow-up question about some subject within their apparent realm of expertise. 

      However, my preference is to start with a comment about some neutral, inoffensive subject. Have you ever noticed how many people discuss the weather? It’s because any discussion of it is unlikely to be offensive. Of course, I’m sure that you can find another, more interesting, neutral subject which you can present for discussion. 

       If nothing is coming to mind when looking for a discussion topic, there is an acronym which may help. It is FORD, which stands for family, occupation, recreation, and dreams. From these four broad categories, you will likely be able to zero in on suitable conversation subjects. David A. Morin presented the acronym in his helpful blog article, “How to Make Interesting Conversation (for Any Situation),” (socialself.com/blog, November 10, 2022).

       Conversely, there are also a few prohibited topics which you probably have been warned against bringing up at one time or another. They are: politics, religion, personal finances, intimate relationships, ethics and lifestyle choices, and gossip. This is not a matter of degrees or shades of gray, just don’t go there, or you will likely not be invited to future gatherings.

      Now, a few general tips which will make your conversational life easier.

       First, ask only open-ended questions. Those are questions which do not have a yes or no answer. The reason is quite simple, if you ask a question which gets a one-word answer, you have no place to go as far as asking a follow-up question. Whereas there are more opportunities for discussion when the response is open ended.

       Don’t allow your eyes to wander across the room when you are in conversation. Look at the person with whom you are speaking, otherwise it is just rude and belittling. Showing respect with your focus is both noticed and appreciated.

       The role of every conversationalist is to focus on the other conversationalists. This means that your opinions are valued, along with everyone else’s. So, have opinions, but when you bestow them on others, make sure also to inquire as to their perspective on the issue. Share your thoughts within a discussion format, don’t metaphorically stand on a soap box and hold court.

       In social conversations, it is also important to exercise some restraint. While asking questions is at the heart of a good conversation, remember that other people are not on a witness stand. That means that you must display interest in their comments without moving into interrogation mode. Think of a conversation as a ping pong game, or perhaps today, as pickle ball. The ball is the subject of the conversation and it is bounced back and forth amongst the participants who discuss different questions and share varying points of view. When the ball drops, or the subject ends, you can move on to another subject, or move on to a different conversationalist. 

       Also, it is acceptable to have various points of view, but it is not acceptable to be judgmental. Once a person starts taking a hardnosed position, it can have a chilling effect on a conversation and there will be less trust in one’s ability to openly share differing views. So, if you want to keep the conversation going, don’t be heavy-handed in disagreeing with others, try a more gentle approach instead.

       A social conversation has the potential to be an interesting experience. There is an opportunity to learn about another person’s insights on life or on a specific issue; there is the possibility of extending a new meeting into a long-term connection, whether personal or business; and there is even the opportunity to learn a new skill. Ultimately, a social conversation can offer a new, and expanded outlook on life. At a season when social conversations typically abound, why not engage in them with an open mind and explore the possibilities.

      Thank you for sharing your time today. Remember, your application of strategic decision-making approaches can result in more beneficial outcomes for you, both professionally and personally. Why not turn that process into your opportunity?

Copyright 2022 by The Bermaelyn Group, LLC