Strategize To Succeed
PC403 – Are You Ready To Argue?

       Welcome to the next episode of Strategize To Succeed™. Selectively applying the strategies which we discuss each week will help you as you progress from conditions to opportunities to successes.

       In today’s episode, we are arguing. Well, perhaps not actually arguing so much as discussing how to argue, and maybe even, how not to argue. 

       By nature, Your Mentor is not an argumentative person. However, if you look around as I do, you will likely notice that there are at least two months during the year which seem to be filled with arguments. The first is November, because of elections, both before and after. And the second is January, during the football post-season playoffs leading to the Super Bowl.

       Just as there are rules to follow in every sport, including of course, football, there are actually rules to follow when it comes to having an argument. 

       We are going to discuss those guidelines today so that you will be well prepared to take on your verbal opponents when the right time comes in any of the 12 months.

       Regardless of subject or time of year, there is one overriding rule which should always be followed: don’t ever start an argument while you are drinking. You know very well that there is nothing to be gained by it and, frequently, it just doesn’t end well. 

       That being said, why do you want to argue at all? Do you want to jump up and down and claim victory? Do you want to change someone else’s mind? Do you want to convince yourself that you are correct? What is so important to you about proving to yourself that you are right? Will your life change in any substantial way if someone else agrees with you? Will the condition of your life face material changes based on the outcome of an argument? Essentially, what difference does it make whether you argue or not, and whether you win or not? Is there anything so important in your life that is worth an all out argument?

       I don’t know. Perhaps I can think of one or two situations in which someone’s well-being is at stake. And in that case, I would certainly go to the mat and argue my lungs out. But, other than that, most arguments strike me as an unwarranted waste of energy and time. And, usually they don’t seem to make, any difference to the outcome of the situation.

       But, you know as well as I do that as long as there are at least two people in a room, there will always be arguments, big and small. That’s not going to change. Therefore, it becomes even more important to look at the parameters for arguing persuasively, and without destroying each other, or yourself.

       If you are bound and determined to enter into an argument, yes, you want to win but, perhaps more importantly, your approach should be to “do no harm” to anyone else. By that I mean that it is critical to remember that an argument is brought about by having differing points of view. That means that the argument is an issue-based disagreement. In that environment, it is inappropriate to express any views which are related to personal issues, whether they be appearance-related, behavioral, or bring in relatives or others who are personally close to your sparring partner. Doing so would be considered to be a dirty fight or hitting below the belt.

       Also don’t bring up any pre-existing situations or any historical occurrences. A valid argument needs to stay within a confined area, like a metaphorical boxing ring, and not extend beyond the bounds of the specific issue.

      When you approach an argument, don’t let a conversation escalate into creating an argument for no apparent reason. At that point, the argument becomes based on bluster, not facts. And, if you have any interest or hope of actually winning an argument, give some consideration ahead of time about the facts. Maybe even do a bit of research so that you can dazzle your opponent with factual information which might sway their viewpoint over to your side. Especially if they did not take the time to research the situation the same way that you did. 

       Understand that an argument is as much about the demeanor of the participants as it is about the issue involved. When you think about how an argument is portrayed, often the stereotypical picture which comes to mind is a lot of yelling and interrupting, perhaps escalating to occasional pushing and shoving, if not more.

      Actually, there is nothing funny about that picture. 

       Instead, it is a rather sad indication of arguing run amok. You see, during a legitimate argument, it is inappropriate to either yell or interrupt.  

      By this point, you may be thinking that I have taken all of the fun out of arguing. And that may be true. However, if you apply a different strategy to your arguing process, there is the possibility that you can actually benefit from it.

       An article recently published entitled, “Yale research: Highly successful people argue differently,” by Natasha Pinon (“make it” newsletter, cnbc.com, January 19,2023), makes the case for a different objective to result from arguing. This article was based on the research of Matthew Fisher, a psychologist and marketing professor who co-authored a 2016 Yale University study on the benefits of “arguing to learn.”

      According to Dr. Fisher, there are two different approaches to arguing. Perhaps the more widely known approach is the “arguing to win” style. Ms. Pinon described such people as those who “took a hard line and only saw one right answer.” Conversely, those who “argued to learn” were “more likely to accept opinions that were different from their own.” This philosophy is based on what Ms. Pinon describes as a mentality, rather than “a single set of tactics, and the key to doing it effectively rests on understanding why it matters in the first place.”

      Dr. Fisher takes the view that by ignoring why you were arguing about an issue at all, you “may be neglecting the bigger picture.” Instead, Dr. Fisher contends that “approaching hot-button issues from an ‘arguing to learn’ mentality can help shift your own thinking. It can also change the other person’s point of view.”

       To accomplish this somewhat rarified approach to arguing, Dr. Fisher suggests that prior to pursuing an argument, clarify your intentions and recognize that moving forward towards an argument with “an openness and willingness to learn” could result in a better understanding by the other party of how your position could be true. 

      When formulating your argument, especially if work related, Dr. Fisher suggests considering these four questions: 1. What is your argument? 2. Why is it true? 3. When has it happened before? 4. Who cares? 

       What I take as being most important about Dr. Fisher’s approach is to give thought as to why the argument is being entered into in the first place.  However, I recognize that some of the most heated arguments occur spontaneously over the most miniscule, and trivial, issues. And, frankly, the immediacy of the timing may not permit a participant to consider their mindset.

       So, there are a few suggestions to approaching your argument once you are in the midst of an escalating situation. These come from the article “6 Ways to Win Any Argument . . . or at least, end it,” by Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne (psychologytoday.com/us/blog, August 16, 2014). In it, she bases her suggestions on the participants’ emotional response to the argument: such as fear of losing, or gaining the respect of spectators.

      Dr. Whitbourne prefaces her recommendations with the admonition that: “Winning an argument doesn’t necessarily mean being the only one who’s right. If your goal is to resolve a conflict, then to ‘win’ might mean you ‘lose’.” Essentially, I take that to mean that sometimes it is necessary to play the long game and not just dwell on the immediate effects.

       The six argument-winning tools are:

       1.       “Know your facts . . . stop and think.”

       2.       “Be ready to see the other person’s perspective . . . showing empathy will lower the temperature of the debate and allow both of you to come to resolution.”

       3.       “If you can’t be open-minded, at least seem that way. . . becoming defensive is one of the worst ways to win an argument. By letting your opponent speak, you may allow the situation to naturally resolve itself.”

       4.       “Keep your emotions under control . . . it’s clear that emotions play an important role in conflict by altering how you appraise the situation – you’ll gain points by showing that you can exercise self-control.”

       5.       “Remain hopeful that the argument can be resolved . . . invoking the feeling of hope allows you to think more clearly, leading to the possibility that you’ll win by sheer force of logic.”

       6.       “Respect your opponent . . . a successful argument within a relationship remains compartmentalized . . . don’t insult or degrade your opponent.”

       I would suggest that these six tools have value not just within the confines of an argument, but also in probably any conversation or negotiation.

       Now, hopefully you will indulge my input into this subject. Sometimes, notwithstanding all of the respect and hope and self-control which you have given a best effort to demonstrate, the most practical course of action may be to say to the other party, “let’s stop the argument and just agree to disagree.” At that point, both of you should jointly take the subject of the dispute off of the table and move on to other, less abrasive, subjects.

      Thank you for sharing your time today. Remember, your application of strategic decision-making approaches can result in more beneficial outcomes for you, both professionally and personally. Why not turn that process into your opportunity?  

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