Strategize To Succeed
PC414 – Oil And Water May Not Be Best For A Relationship

       Welcome to the next episode of Strategize To Succeed™.  Selectively applying the strategies which we discuss each week will help you as you progress from conditions to opportunities to successes.

       In today’s episode, we are going to focus on ill-fitting relationships and, perhaps, how to improve them.

       Now, to clarify. 

       Have you ever encountered someone who just seemed to arbitrarily disagree with everything you said: if you said that it was a lovely, sunny day, their response was that it looked like rain. If you said that you supported a policy position, their response was that it should be dismantled. Or, if you absolutely loved rocky road ice cream, their response was that the only flavor that was worth their time was strawberry.

      This person is not going to give you an inch. Whether they truly believe in their point of view, or they simply enjoy baiting you, the conclusion is that they are fatiguing to deal with and often you can’t even tell if the attempt is worth the effort.

      Such a contentious encounter can be even more challenging if the relationship cannot be avoided. Whether the two of you must work together in an office, or you are on the same committee at your child’s school, it becomes difficult to be congenial, and certainly all but impossible to accomplish anything productive. 

      That is why it becomes so necessary to try to bring out the best in the other person. 

      You might raise the issue that it is not your responsibility to make such a herculean effort; isn’t it enough that you are your normal, decent and pleasant self? And, shouldn’t the other party make a more concerted effort to take on the burden of a mutual relationship? 

      Unfortunately, life just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, the seemingly innocent party must make a greater effort to reconfigure the interaction so that both parties can operate more effectively on the same track, rather than constantly being faced with head-on collisions and resulting derailments. How do you like that for painting a picture? 

       At any rate, the point is to figure out how to bring out the best in the other individual. First, understand that these suggestions come with optimism, but not with a built-in guarantee. Can I say that they will absolutely flip the switch on the first attempt, and then you’ll be good as gold? Of course not. But, over some time, you may find that the ice thaws and that the relationship softens, becoming a bit more open and cooperative. So it would seem to be worth a try.

      A cooperative relationship is not one-sided. Think of a child’s seesaw. It takes two people to make the seesaw work. If one child tries to do all of the work, their side of the seesaw is just sitting on the ground, the other side is stuck way in the air. And nothing’s moving.

      So, it is necessary to figure out how to get things moving.

      Look outside of yourself and try to figure out if there are any serious events or crises which may be the catalyst for this other person’s behavior. If so, maybe it would be appropriate to cut them some slack. You may be expecting too much from them at this moment. Instead, if you know what the source of the situation may be, perhaps you can even help. It likely wouldn’t cost you anything, and your effort could improve the entire dynamic.

      Stop living with unrealistic expectations, for yourself, and especially for other people. It is a basic life lesson. When you have very specific standards about how other people should behave or view life, you will always be disappointed. That’s just the way it is. Now, that is not to say that you shouldn’t have standards. Absolutely you should. Just don’t expect that your standards will be exactly the same as someone else’s. To get through life, it is necessary to have the grace to allow others to behave as they see fit. That is not to say that you cannot express your opinion as to what is acceptable to you. However, understand that what is acceptable to you, may not be acceptable to someone else. 

       Incidentally, while mentioning unrealistic expectations, it is also important that you do not burden yourself with your own unrealistic expectations. The operative word here is “unrealistic.” Expectations in and of themselves are very important. They correspond with standards and levels of achievement and growth. But when the expectations are unrealistic, they can become burdensome and frustrating, and more easily result in quitting and defeat. Now, back to the point.

      Recognize that everyone (yes, including yourself) is imperfect and makes mistakes. Again, accept it, and if appropriate, offer help.

      Also, encourage conversation. Not to waste time, but to exchange viewpoints. That means, don’t operate with a stopwatch or a parking meter. Human engagement does not work in such a precise manner.

      What follows is an amalgam of suggestions as to how to bring out the best in others. But, perhaps most importantly, is that the bottom line is that people generally react to other people. What that means is that the more understanding and compassion you show, and the better you treat someone else, the more likely that they will respond in kind. I know that that just seems too simplistic, but sometimes it is the simplest of answers which can be the most effective.

      Forbes published an article entitled, “Five Simple Ways To Bring Out The Best In Others,” by Bruce Kasanoff (August 4, 2014). Mr. Kasanoff took the position that actually bringing out the best in others can be selfish in the best possible way. As he states it, “Do your best, and you might have a nice little career. Bring out the best in others, and you can change the world. Do the math – to accomplish anything significant, you have to involve other people.”

      Because of that reasoning, Mr. Kasanoff’s suggested first step is to be generous. “Give others your time and energy, and – most importantly – the benefit of the doubt. Believe in them, even when they stumble or fail to believe in themselves.”

      Then, the next step is to be open-minded. “Many of the most talented people you meet will be utterly different than you; they will think differently, act differently, and talk differently . . . Your greatest challenge is to see past your own biases to spot a light burning inside a package that may at first make little sense to you.”

      The third suggestion is to be clear. “Your role in life is not to be the smartest or most capable person in the room. Your role is to interact with other people, to collaborate with other people, and to foster talent in other people.”

      The next thought is to be persistent. “With persistence, you can communicate two critical lessons: you have talent burning inside you, and you can bring it out if you are willing to put in sufficient effort.”

      Finally, Mr. Kasanoff advocates that you be present. “To spot talent, you have to pay attention. You have to look for the smallest clues, and you have to be curious enough to pursue them.”  

      Ultimately, Mr. Kasanoff’s point is that the burden is on you to bring out the best in someone else, rather than the other person’s responsibility. His perspective is not unique.

       In a posting entitled, “7 Practices To Bring Out The Best In Others,” by Helen (themindsjournal.com), the pattern of helping someone else by taking steps to improve oneself is pervasive. In this posting, the seven steps which bring out the best in others are: leaders participate, essentially this means that if the troops are required to do something, so are the generals; expect more from yourself than you do from others; treat everyone the same; walk around and notice people; always do what you say, showing the importance of dependability and its relationship to performance; apologize when you err; and clarify commitments.

      Conversely, in “9 simple ways to bring out the best in others,” by Joyce Ann Isidro (hackspirit.com, February 23, 2023), the author immediately puts the focus on the treatment of someone else. The first point is to “make them feel comfortable around you.” Once again, it’s a matter of relinquishing expectations, and opting for simple acceptance. 

      Ms. Isidro then moves on to appreciation, helping to build their confidence, and believing in them, which seems to take on the format of reaffirmation.

      Perhaps one of the most significant points which I came across in the pursuit of how to bring out the best in others was the author’s fifth point which was “in order to bring out the best in others, it’s important that you know who they are . . . asking people questions makes them feel important and interesting.”

      Once you know about someone else, the author is quite willing to encourage “constructive criticism” when she feels that it’s appropriate “to help them grow as people.” 

      Ms. Isidro’s attitude then seems to be that once you criticize someone, then encourage them to “step out of their comfort zone . . . empathize with them . . . and then be there for them.”

      Obviously, whichever approach you choose, there are numerous paths to encouraging someone else to become what you might consider to be a better person. And, certainly, this is not a one size fits all proposition. However, the point seems to be that just because the initial exchanges with someone else were not either pleasant or productive, that does not mean that either of you should give up. Just recognize that the process may not progress in a straight line, there will be curves and bumps and turns. But continue forward judiciously because the results may be even better than you initially expected.

      Thank you for sharing your time today. Remember, your application of strategic decision-making approaches can result in more beneficial outcomes for you, both professionally and personally. Why not turn that process into your opportunity?

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