Strategize To Succeed
PC417 – Boundaries, An Opportunity To Take Control

       Welcome to the next episode of Strategize To Succeed™.  Selectively applying the strategies which we discuss each week will help you as you progress from conditions to opportunities to successes.

       In today’s episode, we are going to discuss the what, where, and why of boundaries. And, although they may affect your petunias, the selection and maintenance of boundaries have the potential to impact many other aspects of your life.

       To make certain that we are all on the same page, first let’s examine the nature of a boundary.

       A boundary, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” For our discussion, it serves to clearly define the limits of permissible and acceptable behavior, which you are open to receiving.

      Consider, for a moment, a rubber band. A boundary represents how much you are able to stretch that rubber band before it snaps and your space is invaded.

      Throughout life, we are given the opportunity to assert all sorts of boundaries as a means of protecting ourselves. The most common boundaries are outlined in the article “Boundaries: A Guide to Making Essential Life Decisions,” by Linda Esposito (psychologytoday.com,  June 4, 2019). These boundaries are:

      Physical boundaries, which focus on issues of personal space, privacy and body. 

      Mental boundaries deal with matters of thoughts, values, and opinions.

      Emotional boundaries come into play when dealing with other people and their differing opinions.

      Financial boundaries include the matters of spending, saving, giving, and budgeting money.

      Moral boundaries exist when you define those behaviors which “align with your core values.”

      Sexual boundaries are centered on the “comfort level around physical touch, intimacy and sexual behaviors.”

      And, finally, spiritual boundaries which seek to clarify your religious beliefs.

      These seven types of individual boundaries may not be of equal priority to each person. So, some may be more clearly defined than others at any given time. But, what is so helpful while exploring boundaries is that, as the article indicates, “they are fluid and ever-evolving.”

      One of the most important elements of boundary formation is that after you have developed your boundary standards, the applicable terms must be conveyed to any other relevant parties via a process of negotiation so that one individual’s boundaries are not perceived as controlling or unjustifiably harsh.

       The notion of boundaries is often established during one’s childhood, during the course of family interactions. As described in the article, “What is Boundary Setting?” by Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks (verywell.com, January 24, 2022), families generally operate with one of three types of boundaries; clear, rigid, and open boundaries.

      Clear boundaries are “clearly stated, flexible, and adaptable. There is warmth, support, and stability within the family . . . families with clear boundaries tend to function better.”

      Rigid boundaries are “closed and inflexible . . . There is less engagement and more isolation both within the family and in the outside world . . . It may be more challenging for family members to communicate needs and express individuality.”

      And, open boundaries “ . . . are not as clear, and might even be fuzzy or loose. It may be hard for individual family members to have their needs met. Families . . . may be enmeshed and exhibit more codependency.”

      However, what is good about experiencing boundaries as a child is that you have the ability and the opportunity to communicate your wants and needs, and adjust your boundaries as is necessary for your comfort level.

      This extent of flexibility in boundary development is important because when there is an environment where unhealthy boundaries exist, that is where the individual’s safety is in jeopardy; abuse and dysfunctional relationships may result.

       It is important for an individual to actively take responsibility for setting boundaries in the various aspects of their life because the creation of boundaries is a significant contributor to the balance which one can achieve. In addition, Ms. Brooten-Brooks maintains that setting boundaries can also be important as a step to avoiding the excessive activity which can lead to burnout. And, by setting boundaries, one is also able to lessen the resentment which can build up when there is an imbalance in responsibilities towards others.

      When establishing your own boundaries, according to the author, there are several points to keep in mind:

      Goal-setting – first figure out what you want to accomplish by setting the boundary.

      Start small – as with undertaking most projects, it is more effective to start small and take on more when able than to start off taking on too much and not completing everything originally agreed upon.

      Be clear – this approach is beneficial for both parties, clarity cuts down on misunderstandings which can subsequently arise.

      Practice – setting a boundary can represent a significant commitment. If uncertain as to how to proceed, plan what you want to say and review it so that you can become more confident.

      Keep it simple – don’t present someone else with a laundry list of items about everything which necessitates putting boundaries in place. Focus on the big problems first, then you can add the smaller issues later. 

      There are a number of ways to go about constructing the boundaries which are most compatible with your personality. These were suggested by Ms. Esposito in the first article referenced.

      Whenever undertaking any new project, know your limits. And in this case, also recognize your values and standards so that your boundaries support them.

      Understand that once you establish your boundaries in any aspect of your life, you will need to support and reinforce them by being able to say “no.” In any situation, there will always be someone who wants to put up a challenge, and it is your responsibility to yourself to hold on to the boundaries which 

you have so carefully established.

      Clear communication and negotiation of your standards is imperative.

      Understand that one of the purposes of establishing boundaries is for your safety. There is no reason for you to be fearful or hold guilt. Trust your instincts to help you make decisions. You don’t need to justify your reasons or over-explain them.

      And, remember that it is never a good idea to make important decisions when stressed, fatigued, or otherwise depleted.

      The list of supportive ideas offered is longer and the articles referenced are rather comprehensive.

      Ms. Brooten-Brooks also includes in her article what she terms “boundary exercises.” Their purpose is to provide you with ways in which to communicate when your boundaries are not being respected and you want to state your position. Here are a few concepts:

      The most important point to be taken from these exercises is that one does not accuse or use the “you” pronoun. Instead, it is important to express one’s own feelings by stating “I.” The examples offered are: “I feel ______ when ______ is said to me.” Or “When this happens ______, I feel ______.”

      If being disrespected, “I don’t like the way I’m being spoken to right now. I would prefer to discuss this when we can be calmer about it.”

      To say “no,” try “I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.”

      You may notice that the process to create and establish boundaries is, in many ways, very similar to the undertaking of any other project. There needs to be a self-awareness and assessment of one’s strengths and weaknesses so that one can proceed in a manner which is most advantageous to their position and personality. To create the most effective boundaries, one first needs to understand themselves. While important, this realization can be modified and molded as is appropriate.

      Thank you for sharing your time today. Remember, your application of strategic decision-making approaches can result in more beneficial outcomes for you, both professionally and personally. Why not turn that process into your opportunity?

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